From the people who brought you “Morbius,” here comes more BS. Sony’s latest superhero mush is “Madame Web,” another of the studio’s dreary “in association with Marvel” movies that make viewers go, “On second thought, ‘Ant-Man’ wasn’t so bad.” The C-list character they’ve sunk their fangs into this time is Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson), a 30-year-old New York Debbie Downer who discovers she can glimpse into the future. MADAME WEB Running time: 117 minutes. Rated PG-13 (violence/action and language). In theaters Feb. 14. Looking into my crystal ball, I can see … no sequel to this wreck. Ever. How did Cassie acquire her snoozy clairvoyant powers? In 1973, her pregnant scientist mom, Constance, discovered a magical spider in the Peruvian rainforest that gives indigenous tribes superhuman abilities. Those mythical South American natives climb trees super fast wearing vine-covered Spandex like wannabe Cirque du Soleil acrobats. Deep in the woods, Dr. Constance rattles off jargon like “peptides” a lot and announces that “these little spiders have the power to cure hundreds of diseases!” And they can make bad guys rich. When unsuspecting Constance is killed by her greedy travel companion Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), he steals the rare insect and runs off. The “spider people” save newborn baby Cassie using the arachnid’s bite. Fast forward to 2003 (we know it’s 2003 because there is a Beyoncé “Dangerously in Love” poster and “Toxic” by Britney Spears is on the radio) and adult Cassie is working in Manhattan as a paramedic. She seems neither interested nor remotely qualified to do such a high-stakes job. Cassie is difficult for viewers to care much about because she’s socially awkward, emotionally stunted and distant. The woman is still fuming at the dead mother she never met. “I hope the spiders were worth it, Mom!” she says out loud in one of the script’s many unintended laugh lines. Another clunker is, “We hate family stuff!” She bellows that one to her co-worker Ben (Adam Scott), a sweetheart who invites her to his sister’s backyard barbecue. Ben, apparently, will later become Uncle Ben in “Spider-Man.” Whatever. Johnson, with her usual indie aloofness, speaks in an oddly halting cadence, as if she is not interacting with a friend in a Marvel movie but a customer service agent from Etsy. Where … is … my … crocheted … lampshade? The talented actress is as wrong for “Madame Web” as it gets. Cassie’s mental wizardry reveals itself during a near-death experience when she almost drowns in a river and begins having frightening déjà vu-like visions. Meanwhile, Ezekiel has regular nightmares of his own that he’ll be murdered at home by three young female heroes whose costumes suggest they have previously robbed a Party City. He shouts, “You have no idea the torment and torture of dying over and over again!” Wanna bet? Hoping to prevent his untimely death, Ezekiel uses National Security Agency facial recognition technology to track down his assassins — Julia Carpenter (Sydney Sweeney, who can’t land a good movie), Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor) and Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) — to Grand Central Station where he plans to off them. But Cassie’s premonitions inspire her to protect the girls from the thug she doesn’t yet know also killed her mother. They team up — and we zone out. Director S.J. Clarkson’s film that she also co-wrote is web of plot holes and brainless choices that amount to an ungainly mess. It’s an ugly movie with strained character backstories and a story that’s both derivative and deformed. The flick connects to nothing and can’t stand confidently on its own either. Rahim’s Ezekiel ranks as one of the lousiest superhero villains in recent memory as he shouts belabored exclamations up to 787s. How long ago did Arnold Schwarzenegger play Mr. Freeze? To give the actor some slack, however, the script is unspeakably bad. A Peruvian dude we meet for a total of two minutes telling Cassie, “When you take on the responsibility, great power will come!” — his paraphrase of Uncle Ben’s “with great power comes great responsibility” — arrives as an admission of defeat. Yes, we know this is bad, Spider-Man! “The worst superhero movie yet” is a phrase I’ve written so much in the past three years, I should make a keyboard shortcut for it. “Madame Web” is F6. The film hits theaters on Valentine’s Day. If you’re looking for a quick and easy breakup strategy, I suggest buying two tickets.
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