My relationship with my faith was very serious during high school and college. I spent nearly every evening and weekend on church activities. I enjoyed the shared sense of purpose that came with being in a group of people devoted to serving God and each other, who I could depend on and who depended on me. We would go on mission trips, start bible studies and prayer groups, fast together, and constantly talk about how to make Christ known through our words and actions.
It wasn’t until I moved to Japan and had a physical distance from the church that I started questioning some of the basic assumptions I had made and been taught about life. I remember feeling at war with myself as I outgrew my previous worldview — not because I chose to, but because I could not fit my experiences within the context of my religion. I met many people hurt by the church and saw too many examples of how what was taught did not match what was practiced.
In Season 5 of the animated series “Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” Ahsoka is accused of bombing the Jedi temple. Despite Anakin Skywalker’s unwavering faith that his Padawan is innocent, the Jedi Council is determined to find her, excommunicate her from the Jedi Order, and ultimately leave her fate up to an external war tribunal.
When she is proven innocent, the Jedi invite her back in, with the caveat that “this was actually [her] great trial” to make her a “greater Jedi.” But, seeing the hypocrisy of the Jedi Order, realizing how she has become complicit in a war that is causing more harm than good, and knowing she needs to find her own way, she rejects their invitation and walks away from her religion, her found family and her way of life.
I watched that scene again and again on my laptop as I huddled next to a space heater on my tatami floor in rural Japan. Coming from sunny Southern California, the cold was a shock. And my new quiet life without the constant company of my church community overwhelmed me. And on that tatami floor, I realized I could not participate in church as I had in college.
Based on what I was taught, I had said and done things against the very values Christians are meant to uphold. I no longer wanted to be part of organizations that perpetuated judgment, homophobia, hypocrisy and discouragement of critical thought.
The “light-side” of the force, which the Jedi Order claimed to be, was not an unambiguous force for good. Even in the original Star Wars trilogy, Luke is urged by his Jedi Master to let go of his attachments when his friends are in danger to complete his Jedi training. He rejects this, however, and leaves to rescue Han and Leia.
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